Just try talking to a cranky hamburger!

I'm beginning to dread nights because I can't sleep anymore. Is there some mental disorder where a person is constantly tired, but can never sleep. 'Cuz if there is I definitely have it. Trying to type in this little box is weird, but less intimidating than trying to write a term paper and staring at a blank page and blinking cursor.

So.... should I relate my sad story about my crush? (grumble) I guess I should. Maybe it'll be therapeutic. Contrary to what Navy Doc says, I still think anyone who isn't me will think I'm pathetic...... and POINT AND LAUGH! But first, some background. (You know, to boost my total words written.)

The Monday before Valentines Day of this year, I broke up with by boyfriend of five years. I know, I know. I should have waited until after V- Day, but I'd had enough. Besides, he broke up with me first, in a my-space.com message!! So you can imagine my surprise when, on my way home from school, I find the road to my house blocked by one incredibly pissed off (ex?) boyfriend. He yelled out his window that he NEEDED to talk to me. Right now.

Crap. I pulled into my driveway and he pulled in right behind me. After storming up my driveway he started screaming at me and I thought he was gonna hit me. I remember sadly noting that no one in the neighborhood was out and about to witness the potential kicking of my ass. He just kept screaming "What's up with you?? Why haven't you called me?" and on and on. I believe the words "fuckin' bitch" were used several times. Even though I was really pissed off, I've always been afraid of him because he had such a bad temper. Which is why I was so disappointed when, I started crying while pointing out that he broke up with me first in a friggin' e-mail on myspace.com. Then he started to backpedal and say that he was just doing what he thought I wanted to do. Anyway, he asked me what I wanted to do-- did I want to break up? This was a moment I had thought about maybe 30 or 40 times in the past year.

I'd always wondered whether people could feel like they were having one of those "outer body experience" thingies without being near death. During the first half year or so of our relationship, he was great. Then he got mean. Not all the time. After he'd have one of his episodes, I'd always think of "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde." (sp?) But anyway, my point is, during these "episodes" I'd always feel like I was watching it happen from across the room. Seeing some maniac scream at some little pink haired girl half his age. The last fight was no exception. Except this time, I just thought to myself... That's IT!

And I mustered the strength to say "I think we should break up." Eery silence followed. Then, he started to cry and accused me of cheating on him-- 'cuz why else would I break things off 'just like that.' It was like watching myself and, I'll call him "Mike", re-enact that crucial moment in "The Labyrinth" where Sarah tells the Goblin King he has no power over her. Causing the world around them to shatter.

After accepting the situation (or so I thought) he demanded that I return a bicycle that he got me for my 20th birthday. So we went into the house.

Mike was behind me as I tried to unlock the backdoor to the shed. I got kind of nervous that I'd turned my back on him. This is a guy who carried a knife-- he slashed all four tires on this chick's car once because she took his parking place. I was so wound up, just so nervous that I was shaking. It felt like an eternity to get that door open, but when I did he grabbed the bike and wheeled it away. He crammed it into his car and, because he knew it would piss me off, said "I just wish you hadn't dropped out of nursing school." I didn't rise to the bait though. The thought ran through my mind that I wouldn't have to put up with his BS anymore. Almost FREE! Against my better judgement, I didn't argue when he said he wanted one last hug to say goodbye. Even though I really wanted to scream, "I didn't drop out of school-- I changed majors!!" I held my tongue. And for the time being, he was gone.

With the dark rain cloud of a boyfriend gone, I finally started to make friends because I wasn't always with him after school. My first friend, who I'll call Phuong, was in my Historiography class. We saw each other in the halls all the time, and bonded because of her not-so- secret crush on a guy, who was in three of my classes.

Over Spring break, Phuong had a birthday bash at her house. After her parents left (to go to Phuong's uncle's house) the coolers full of beer and assorted alcoholic beverages made an appearance. Everyone there knew about Phuong's crush, so I guess it's rather poetic in a Bronte sisters kind of way that I'd meet Tony there. **sigh** My crush!

At that point in time, Tony (not his real name) was dating a girl, who for whatever reason, was absent that night. Several weeks later, Phuong invited me to go clubbing with her and Tony. It seemed that Tony's girl had cheated on him, and now he was single. **Here's my chance, I thought.**

But being terminally shy has several downsides, one of which is how impossible it can be to, oh, talk to people or ask them out on dates. I did manage to get his phone number but I cloaked the request under the guise of having a study group with some other kids in class.

Phuong always calls the two of us to hang out (movies, dinner, etc.) We are like the three musketeers, if two of them were chicks. This was an easy way to get my fix without actually having to ask Tony out. "Oh, hey, Phuong wants to see "King Arthur" tonight. Wanna come?" That's how easy it was.

But at some point, I think Phuong caught onto me. She hasn't said anything to embarass me or otherwise tattle. She started calling Tony ahead of our nights out and would ask him to pick me up, "that way you guys can come together."

There was tons of booze left from Phuong's party, but her parents forbid alcohol in the house. This means that the beer, vodka, whatever, would be in Phuong's closet until it was to be used. At the appropriate time, the bottles would be put into the freezer for quick chilling.

The night of the free dinner at Outback, courtesy of Phuong's older sister, we rented "Underworld." (Tony has a a bit of thing for Kate Beckinsale.) I had two beers since I didn't have to drive home. And I was also trying to gather my courage. Because on the ride out, I was going to ask Tony out-- sort of.

I had two tickets to the Santa Barbara No Doubt concert on the 2nd of July. My plan was to mention that I was supposed to go with my friend Preyma (not her real name) but she cancelled on me. The whole ride home, I was on pins and needles. With less than half of the ride back to my house left, I managed to ask him. Being pretty drunk (but not quite drunk enough to NOT be worried) made it a teensy bit easier.

Even when he said he couldn't go because, he only had X amount of days he could take off of work. He'd already promised to go to his room mate's bachelor party in Vegas. AND he was going to Hawaii to get his younger brother settled in at college. So, no, he couldn't go.

He was so nice about it. Almost apologetic. In fact, he was so genial about it that I didn't feel like the hugest loser in the world. And two weeks later, I asked him out-- AGAIN! Actually, I got his answering machine, So I just left a brief message.

Tony knows I'm a No Doubt fanatic. I went to four of the seven CA shows. I left him a message 10 days before the Shoreline show. Ectra ticket I haven't been able to sell, yadda yadda yadda. Give me a call either way. HE called me back the next day saying he couldn't go because he promised some girl a long time ago he'd go to her party. Hmfh!

Preyma, my bestest friend since I was 12, had encouraged me to ask him again. "Be Brave. And if says no, we'll go anyway. And I'll just tell you what an obvious jerk he is for not wanting to go with you." A week later Tony called me back. He asked me if I'd found anyone to go with me to the concert yet. My heart leapt. ** he called back to say he wants to go**.

And as I said no, I sensed something was wrong. I felt like that little cartoon coyote, the one who is always getting caught in his own traps. That's when Tony said he had a friend who would like to go. Was it okay with me if he gave him my number?

Oh, man. My reply was something like "okay.... but I'm still waiting to hear from one other person."

I never heard from his friend. Preyma and I went to the Shoreline concert and had a blast. There were a ton of other Gwen-a-bees there, so I felt right at home.

So, I'll close this post with a quote from "Angel: The Series," which sadly went off the air this spring. (Wini)Fred is talking to her crush, who doesn't share her feelings.

"In some ways I guess you're better off. Love is-- well, in a way it's everything. But it's also heartache and disappointment. And those are good things to avoid." -"Carpe Noctern"